Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what