Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
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We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Wake me when AI does housework
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant