Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
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Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds