This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.