If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
You Might Also Like
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.