WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
You Might Also Like
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about