ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
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What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.