While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
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*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
White parent Vs Arab parents
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
look at me when i’m typing to you
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit