My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
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They’re stuck in your pants?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.