Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
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me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I am never leaving this website
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit