Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
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Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”