The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
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If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
*pokes sex life with a stick
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on