An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
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Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Facebook memories be like
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10