Me trying to reach for my goals
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
📽️movie date🎞️
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Bros before Ohioes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.