Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Ah yes. The three genders
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’