On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.