My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.