Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
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Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?