Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.