Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before