Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
You Might Also Like
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
These 3D printers are insane!
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.