a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
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*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I did not eat the cake…
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.