You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
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How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.