REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
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There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?