I am laughing way too hard at this.
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
This meal prepping shit is easy
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.