How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
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*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are