A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
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Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Holy moly
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
i wish i could marry a nap
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.