One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Breaking news:
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…