*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
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absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.