job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
You Might Also Like
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
this is literally a CIA plant
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
not seeing the problem
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)