Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
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[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
This made me chuckle.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.