I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Why is this me 😫
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.