Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
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The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table