I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
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[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
wtf management?!
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.