ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
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sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out