i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
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If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
who wore it better?
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”