Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Sorry I made promises on Friday
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this