I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
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God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Me recordaron éste meme
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.