Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[canadians at you, canadianly]
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?