When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
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how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.