*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.