Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
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The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.