The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
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Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda