Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
You Might Also Like
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?