Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
You Might Also Like
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what