When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
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Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
gentlemen, hear me out
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life