What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.