Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??