People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
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A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
At least my masseuse has my back.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.