Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
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Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no